Okay so, to be honest, I’ve been a little unsure about whether I should write about this, lets say, experience I had. As a result I’ve left it almost a month before I felt like it was appropriate to share. Plus, I don’t want to deprive anyone of this story but telling anyone at my uni, who knows the girl, just feels like a bitch move. So, I am sharing it with you instead:

A few Fridays ago my flat was out and I was bored so I invited a couple of friends over from my course, thinking we were just going to have a quiet night of drinks and gossip. However, one bottle led to two and two led to three and before you know it, we were smashed. Seriously it was messy. My friend went to use the toilet and after 20 mins she finally came out to the chants of ‘You’ve been fiddling your fanny in there haven’t you! I KNOW WHEN A FANNYS BEEN FIDDLED WITH’. He doesn’t, he’s gay. Which I happily said to him as her face went a gross mix of red and purple. I had to ask her though, after seeing her face ‘have you been masturbating in my bathroom?’ but obviously at this point it was just a hilarious joke, something funny that would provide us with convo to aid our giggles. She reassured me that obviously we were wrong, because who masturbates in someone else’s bathroom, right? She said she was just taking selfies by the way, just to clear that up… but even that was weird to my drunken mind.

Anyway, we chilled for a while and my flat came back, they had a few friends from home staying so there was a large crowd to witness the next part of the story.

We were getting louder and louder and in my head, I was hilarious and delightful, one story after another came out of my mouth and the laughs were unreal. That’s probably why I didn’t think much of fannyfiddler sitting back and texting on her phone urgently. Anyway, once again she asked to go to the toilet so obviously I said yes. After 20 mins, we realised she hadn’t come back so me and my other course mate went to go and see what was taking her so long.

  • For you to understand what happened next, you have to understand the layout of my room. So, I have an outer door (which you can lock, may I add) and once you’re through that you turn right to the bathroom which has a slide door… unfortunately this can’t be locked

So, I knocked on the outer door calling her name and, once again, let me reiterate how drunk I was so you don’t think I make a habit of just running in on people on the toilet, but I kind of thought she’d actually gone home. When we slid the slide door open I see her, she’s on her back, on the floor, skirt up and legs in the air around the toilet seat. She had her phone in one hand with what seemed to be her boyfriend’s face popping up. What I didn’t see was where the other hand had gone, horrifyingly for me, it had disappeared up her skirt. I mean, I think you can appreciate my shock? I don’t know of anyone going around to friends’ houses and masturbating on their bathroom floor and hope she won’t ever do it again either, because when I tell you I’d never seen a paler girl, I’m not exaggerating, she came out babbling excuses about how she was too drunk and how she needed to go home. I texted her that night to see if she was okay but she replied in the morning with more excuses (conversation attached).

Obviously I get her embarrassment, she even left her glasses behind… which meant a very awkward encounter had to occur the next day when she had to come over to pick them up. Seriously, who runs out so fast that they sacrifice the power of sight?! Saying that, WHO MASTURBATES IN SOMEONE ELSES TOILET?! I guess we have our answer.
If you’re gonna do it girls and guys, at least make sure the bathroom door is locked. For everyone’s sake.

Over and out,



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