The first thing you need to know about University is that during Freshers you’re going to make a lot of friends that you’re not going to keep, or even know the name of, after the first week, however this girl (the lollipop) we’ll never forget. Mainly because we see her everyday walking around as if she owns the place, but mostly because she’s the first person I know to have ever had a sugar mummy, despite her alternating sexual preference.
Now, when I tell you this girl was annoying I don’t mean the sound of nails being dragged down a chalk board. I mean an annoyance such as a fly nestling itself into your ear, forming societies, creating an educational system, filling classrooms THEN them dragging their nails down the chalkboards.
Let me name a few things that she has done, one thing I can say is she’s kept me entertained. Whether it be through her relentless coming over to my flat and pretending that her smoking addiction has gotten out of hand because she was on 3 a day, despite the Homeless Harbourer being on 20. She then continued to claim that quitting only brought on headaches so severe that the possibility of going to a lecture was too much, but turning up to my flat was easy. Thankfully for her, we always had a full fridge of food, something that she took advantage of fully. However, when she’d taken full advantage of us she started to walk past us in the street and turn her head.
Despite choosing to lose my flat as her safe haven, she soon found comfort elsewhere pretty quickly. She started putting up snapchats with an older woman captioning that she was with her “ultimate bae”. Turns out she met her sugar mummy in the toilet of a nightclub, where she proceeded to do cocaine with her, the rest is history. Endless dates, being taken up The Shard in London, cocktails at The Alchemist and enough brunch to last a lifetime, who would say no, right? Clearly not the lollipop. She always did have a sweet tooth (that was really the one good thing that came out of our friendship: her bottomless stash of chocolate). But obviously the cravings of the girl I once used to know, have now changed to something a little more scandalous. She has traded in the trashy lifestyle of tally charting on her arm the number of guys she pulled in one night (12 was her best btw) to sipping on a well-aged mix of pussy, perfume and power.
If there is anything I have taught myself at university, it is that you should knuckle down, create your own opportunities and write your own future. There is no need to rely on a sugar mummy.
Over and out