The Girlfriend Criteria

Our best friend ‘the geek’ has experienced a fall in the ranks. Not in the social hierarchy (because, let’s be honest, he was stuck at the bottom from day one), but in the hierarchy of my respect. Be prepared for a rant post.

It all began with a list.

The poor boy always had trouble with girls, and it was becoming increasingly apparent that he was lonely. He only had three friends: Myself and the other two girls I live with. We began struggling to see how a person could live in the confines of his own flat, and surrounding himself with the female species alone. He began lacking in normal human skills, like laughing. I know – I know, he just began to be… depressing. We decided that maybe he was lacking a romantic companion, since he constantly craved our attention and contact. As a flat, we were close. We would rest our heads on each other’s shoulder and lay upon one another throughout one of our Netflix binges.

So we made a list: a list of what he’s attracted when looking for a significant other, in hope this would help us to understand the kind of girl we could play cupid with. The list began normally:

Preferred eye colour: not important
Preferred hair colour: blonde/brunette
Introverted or extroverted: neither one nor the other…

Being in a multicultural flat ourselves, we made the mistake of asking…

Preferred ethnicity: oh, white. Definitely white. Not black.

Now the alarm bells were ringing. Attempting to rectify what he’d just said and praying he was joking, we asked,

“Um, do you think, maybe, mixed raced? Asian?”

“No, absolutely not”.

We started to wonder why we were even friends with this boy and why racial issues like this hadn’t already arisen. But the list continued, with each comment offending one of us in many ways, such as “no northern accents. Not even Essex or Cockney”, “No piercings or tattoos”, “skinny athletic body type”. We began to realise that this boy was unpopular and lacking in social skills, not because people weren’t accepting him, but because he wasn’t accepting other people. Everything started to make sense.

HE THINKS HE’S THE ABSOLUTE DOGS BOLLOCKS!

His friend who he walks to his lectures with wasn’t good enough, because he was too quiet. He has never kissed a girl because no girl is pretty enough for him. In fact, he’s never spoken to anyone of the opposite sex because of this fact alone. The only reason we’re friends with him is because we made the effort to befriend him to make sure he wasn’t lonely. If it wasn’t for this fact, im sure he would sit in his bedroom every day convincing himself that he is better than us. In reality, he still does, and this list was a way of him attempting to assert some kind of dominance in his all-female friendship group of independent women: The Destiny’s Child of flatmates. And he beat us down, or at least, tried to. He found a flaw in each of us, but really, he’s the true joke. He’s been conditioned by someone or something. Whether its society with its female misconceptions in the media and porn (which he watches a lot of), or his parents raised him without humbleness, raising his expectations in the hope he would shallowly find his dream, well-spoken, stunning, boobilicious, white perfect bitch. Well I hope he does. And I hope she breaks his racist black heart.

Kindness is so important in this world we are living in, we need to be focused on bringing the ones we love up, not down. Being open minded to anything and treating everyone with love. Always remember that.

Over and Out

xx

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Sweet Tooth

The first thing you need to know about University is that during Freshers you’re going to make a lot of friends that you’re not going to keep, or even know the name of, after the first week, however this girl (the lollipop) we’ll never forget. Mainly, because we see her everyday walking around as if she owns the place, but mostly because she’s the first person I know to have ever had a sugar mummy, despite her alternating sexual preference.

Now, when I tell you this girl was annoying I don’t mean the sound of nails being dragged down a chalk board. I mean an annoyance such as a fly nestling itself into your ear, forming societies, creating an educational system, filling classrooms THEN them dragging their nails down the chalkboards.
Let me name a few things that she has done, one thing I can say is she’s kept me entertained. Whether it be through her relentless coming over to my flat and pretending that her smoking addiction has gotten out of hand because she was on 3 a day, despite the Homeless Harbourer being on 20. She then continued to claim that quitting only brought on headaches so severe that the possibility of going to a lecture was too much, but turning up to my flat was easy. Thankfully for her, we always had a full fridge of food, something that she took advantage of fully. However, when she’d taken full advantage of us she started to walk past us in the street and regularly turn her head.

Despite choosing to lose my flat as her safe haven, she soon found comfort elsewhere pretty quickly. She started putting up snapchats with an older woman captioning that she was with her “ultimate bae”. Turns out she met her sugar mummy in the toilet of a nightclub, where she proceeded to do cocaine with her, the rest is history. Endless dates, being taken up The Shard in London, cocktails at The Alchemist and enough brunch to last a lifetime, who would say no, right? Clearly not the lollipop. She always did have a sweet tooth (that was really the one good thing that came out of our friendship: her bottomless stash of chocolate). But obviously the cravings of the girl I once used to know, have now changed to something a little more scandalous. She has traded in the trashy lifestyle of tally charting on her arm the number of guys she pulled in one night (12 was her best btw) to sipping on a well-aged mix of pussy, perfume and power.

If there is anything I have taught myself at university, it is that you should knuckle down, create your own opportunities and write your own future. There is no need to rely on a sugar mummy.
Stay classy,

Over and out
xx