Fannyfiddler

Okay so, to be honest, I’ve been a little unsure about whether I should write about this, lets say, experience I had. As a result I’ve left it almost a month before I felt like it was appropriate to share. Plus, I don’t want to deprive anyone of this story but telling anyone at my uni, who knows the girl, just feels like a bitch move. So, I am sharing it with you instead:

A few Fridays ago my flat was out and I was bored so I invited a couple of friends over from my course, thinking we were just going to have a quiet night of drinks and gossip. However, one bottle led to two and two led to three and before you know it, we were smashed. Seriously it was messy. My friend went to use the toilet and after 20 mins she finally came out to the chants of ‘You’ve been fiddling your fanny in there haven’t you! I KNOW WHEN A FANNYS BEEN FIDDLED WITH’. He doesn’t, he’s gay. Which I happily said to him as her face went a gross mix of red and purple. I had to ask her though, after seeing her face ‘have you been masturbating in my bathroom?’ but obviously at this point it was just a hilarious joke, something funny that would provide us with convo to aid our giggles. She reassured me that obviously we were wrong, because who masturbates in someone else’s bathroom, right? She said she was just taking selfies by the way, just to clear that up… but even that was weird to my drunken mind.

Anyway, we chilled for a while and my flat came back, they had a few friends from home staying so there was a large crowd to witness the next part of the story.

We were getting louder and louder and in my head, I was hilarious and delightful, one story after another came out of my mouth and the laughs were unreal. That’s probably why I didn’t think much of fannyfiddler sitting back and texting on her phone urgently. Anyway, once again she asked to go to the toilet so obviously I said yes. After 20 mins, we realised she hadn’t come back so me and my other course mate went to go and see what was taking her so long.

  • For you to understand what happened next, you have to understand the layout of my room. So, I have an outer door (which you can lock, may I add) and once you’re through that you turn right to the bathroom which has a slide door… unfortunately this can’t be locked

So, I knocked on the outer door calling her name and, once again, let me reiterate how drunk I was so you don’t think I make a habit of just running in on people on the toilet, but I kind of thought she’d actually gone home. When we slid the slide door open I see her, she’s on her back, on the floor, skirt up and legs in the air around the toilet seat. She had her phone in one hand with what seemed to be her boyfriend’s face popping up. What I didn’t see was where the other hand had gone, horrifyingly for me, it had disappeared up her skirt. I mean, I think you can appreciate my shock? I don’t know of anyone going around to friends’ houses and masturbating on their bathroom floor and hope she won’t ever do it again either, because when I tell you I’d never seen a paler girl, I’m not exaggerating, she came out babbling excuses about how she was too drunk and how she needed to go home. I texted her that night to see if she was okay but she replied in the morning with more excuses (conversation attached).

Obviously I get her embarrassment, she even left her glasses behind… which meant a very awkward encounter had to occur the next day when she had to come over to pick them up. Seriously, who runs out so fast that they sacrifice the power of sight?! Saying that, WHO MASTURBATES IN SOMEONE ELSES TOILET?! I guess we have our answer.
If you’re gonna do it girls and guys, at least make sure the bathroom door is locked. For everyone’s sake.

Over and out,
xx

Rowen

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Sweet Tooth

The first thing you need to know about University is that during Freshers you’re going to make a lot of friends that you’re not going to keep, or even know the name of, after the first week, however this girl (the lollipop) we’ll never forget. Mainly, because we see her everyday walking around as if she owns the place, but mostly because she’s the first person I know to have ever had a sugar mummy, despite her alternating sexual preference.

Now, when I tell you this girl was annoying I don’t mean the sound of nails being dragged down a chalk board. I mean an annoyance such as a fly nestling itself into your ear, forming societies, creating an educational system, filling classrooms THEN them dragging their nails down the chalkboards.
Let me name a few things that she has done, one thing I can say is she’s kept me entertained. Whether it be through her relentless coming over to my flat and pretending that her smoking addiction has gotten out of hand because she was on 3 a day, despite the Homeless Harbourer being on 20. She then continued to claim that quitting only brought on headaches so severe that the possibility of going to a lecture was too much, but turning up to my flat was easy. Thankfully for her, we always had a full fridge of food, something that she took advantage of fully. However, when she’d taken full advantage of us she started to walk past us in the street and regularly turn her head.

Despite choosing to lose my flat as her safe haven, she soon found comfort elsewhere pretty quickly. She started putting up snapchats with an older woman captioning that she was with her “ultimate bae”. Turns out she met her sugar mummy in the toilet of a nightclub, where she proceeded to do cocaine with her, the rest is history. Endless dates, being taken up The Shard in London, cocktails at The Alchemist and enough brunch to last a lifetime, who would say no, right? Clearly not the lollipop. She always did have a sweet tooth (that was really the one good thing that came out of our friendship: her bottomless stash of chocolate). But obviously the cravings of the girl I once used to know, have now changed to something a little more scandalous. She has traded in the trashy lifestyle of tally charting on her arm the number of guys she pulled in one night (12 was her best btw) to sipping on a well-aged mix of pussy, perfume and power.

If there is anything I have taught myself at university, it is that you should knuckle down, create your own opportunities and write your own future. There is no need to rely on a sugar mummy.
Stay classy,

Over and out
xx

10 Types on Tinder:

It is 2017 and there are officially only two types of people in the world when it comes to the app Tinder. 1. You have never heard of the app or contemplated using it, lucky you, because you are clearly in the perfect relationship, 2. You are exercising those fingers religiously swiping through all the guys that are never going to reach your expectations.
The dating ‘game’ never appealed to me personally until I started university and realised that 95% of the population had it, therefore I thought I would give it a try myself. After a month or so of what seemed to be me endlessly swiping left, it did not take me long to suss out the 10 most popular guys on there and what each and every one of their profiles meant.

1. The ‘Prince Charming’:
AKA- catfish. So, first things first, this perfect guy doesn’t exist on Tinder.
The one who seems to be everything you are looking for will never turn out to be just that, you have to think to yourself, is it too good to be true? 9 times out of 10 the answer is yes. That guy you were hoping for is too good to be on the app, he unfortunately falls under the category of happily loved up.
Swipe right if you like a gamble, go for it, but personally I wouldn’t bother wasting my time.

2. The ‘fuck and chuck’ guy
Tinder is polluted with these types of guys, you can spot them immediately, their pictures will be all body and no face, and when I say body, I mean lots of it, if you catch my drift. Their bio will be straight up so you know what to expect, trying to impress with height ‘6ft4′ and measurements of other body parts too.
There is no messing around with these types, the conversation will be short and sweet, arranging a time and place, the rest is history.
The aim is simply for a night of fun and nothing more, not sure how I feel about this idea, see my blog on one night stands and give me your views!
Swipe left for sexual health, and if you swipe right have fun and use protection.

3. The ‘group-pic’ guy:
Those pictures that pop up with about 4 guys in, always pick the ugliest one and swipe based on that.
No matter how many times I click on the profile with hope it is guy number two, the outcome will always be the same, definitely not the one you hoped for.
Swipe left, if you want to be a pro and get through them as quickly as possible.

4. The ‘overly weird’ guy:
Summary of this type of guy, pictures of him pulling funny faces, sitting on the toilet and doing random stuff that you just can’t get your head around.
This type of guy is wanting to prove that he is not like any other, he is up for a laugh, he is not too serious and will be great fun. What he doesn’t realise is that girls will judge him simply on those 6 pictures and it is not like there is any personality to help compensate for the pictures of you pooing is there?
Most probably you will be swiping left, I don’t need to advise you on that one.

5. The ‘posing with young relatives’ guy:
AKA liar.
We can see right through your endless pictures of different children, us girls are looking for a prince charming, not to be poor old Cinderella cleaning up after your babies.
Swipe left.

6. The ‘druggie’ guy:
What will feature in this guys pictures : bucket hats, festivals, wristbands, smoke and balloons
This guy will spend all his money on wavy garms found in charity shops and train tickets across the country for events, raves and festivals. If that is your type of thing go for it, but be ready for a lack of attention.
He is probably a good guy, but most of the time he won’t know left from right OH AND expect replies at 5am when he is off his face on something
Swipe, well, this is all down to personal preference I guess.

7. The ‘animal lover’:
This guy is really the ‘fuck and chuck’ guy but in disguise.
They know that any girl will immediately swipe right to the sign of a puppy or kitten and know from then on you are able to be manipulated into their bed.
Swipe left.

8. The ‘gym lad’
You know the one, the posing in the gym, tensing their abs under very convenient lighting and stunting with their protein shakes.
Be ready for invites to the gym, invites to go running with them and constant pictures on snapchat of their ‘after gym’ selfies.
Swipe right, they know how to look after their body, they are the pinnacle of health but be prepared for them to treat their weights more lovingly than they treat you

9. The ‘ghoster’ guy:
There are actually two types of ghosts on Tinder. There are those who you match but then never seem to make a move
The other ghost is when you have been chatting to a guy for a while, getting on well, then boom, they never reply again, what went wrong? Why did you scare them off? Answers that you will never know.
I guess this is a matter of un-matching after you have initially swiped right.

10. The ‘Unicorn hunter’:
These always make me laugh, it is a guy advertising to find a girl who wishes to join him and his girlfriend for fun. I mean, the idea is logical, but the joke is that they never have any pictures of themselves, you are expected to swipe right based on the advertisement alone. All seems very strange to me.
Again, personal preference, but if there were pictures perhaps more people would be inclined to give it a go and swipe right.

Tinder is fun, the love at first swipe joke never gets old. But I’m going to stick to good old dating.

Over and Out

xx

One night of fun or instant regret?

So, this piece is me asking for your advice. Recently, I’ve been considering the process of having a one night stand. Normally, it wouldn’t be something I would consider because of the usual fears: the danger, the fear of the unknown and the fact that I still have my virginity well and truly intact. But after speaking to a lot of my friends at uni, I feel like it’s a process I’ve been missing out on. I hear things like ‘are you even in first year if you haven’t experienced a walk of shame’ and I haven’t.

It sounds like I’m being peer pressured into it, but I’m not. It’s something that sounds fun and interesting; something that appears to make you feel desired from the first moment they see you in the club, to the moment when you end up back at their flat. This is how it’s been explained to me anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I love the thought of sex. I can’t wait to experience the thrill, the feeling of being loved and desired but, for me, a one night stand didn’t automatically have those connotations. I always imagined them to be rushed and sordid in a dingy hotel, having to make excuses to leave the morning after because there was never a time set for a one night stand to end. I always imagined my first time to be something romantic, tender and loving. But that might just be because society has told me that’s what I want. The more I contemplate having a one night stand the more I think it seems liberating but I’m also scared.

Obviously, not all the stories I’ve heard have been great, my best friend from home had a dire experience with whips and chains which put her off for life… until the next one. But there we go I guess, you have some casualties. Let me know what you think, send in your stories and help me make my decision

Over and out

xx

Freshers Threesome

It is exam season, depressing, boring, never-seem-to-not-be-snacking season. I am revising everyday, which means early nights and early mornings, getting up and saying hello to the library and saying goodbye to the clubs. All of this revision has got me thinking about the good times back in September, during Freshers, where we were care free and having a laugh with new friends every day.

Freshers was hilarious, I cannot help but laugh out loud remembering all the stories and memories but there is one story in particular that never ceases to confuse me and I want to share it with you:

The Homeless Harbourer, believe it or not, is actually a hit with the ladies, we found this out very early on when every girl would hit on him in the clubs and try it on with him… and it really didn’t take us very long to notice that he was regularly catching the eye of the other gender too.

One time I came home from a night out to find a crazy looking girl standing outside my flat, with her boyfriend on her arm, begging for me to let them inside. She claimed she needed to ask the Homeless Harbourer a question and insisted they needed to wait in his bedroom. Being the person I am, I really could not be bothered to gift these strangers with my presence any longer so I let them in, without question, to get them out of my hair.
It was a mistake.

Next thing I know the girl and her boyfriend have made themselves at home, under the covers, watching Friends on my flatmate’s laptop. I didn’t know what I couldn’t keep my eyes off more, the girl’s crazy hair that was flared across the pillow she had made her own, or the scene of them playing happy families in my flat.
(I know what you are thinking, I should’ve learned then that no matter what I feel, my flat is clearly open season for anyone)

A few moments later my flatmate came home and was even more confused than me about their presence, it turns out that they had been trying to chat him up all night, the pair of them and were wishing to stay the night with him. Yes, the couple and my flatmate, and I still struggle to this day to find anything remotely normal about the situation. He had to kindly remove them from his bedroom and disappoint them with the fact that he would not be saying yes to their…kind…offer.

The couple didn’t stay a couple for long, as you can imagine, less than 2 months later they were over. It seemed like a good thing at first but it only meant the crazy haired girl came crawling back trying her luck for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time, each time unfortunately ending just as embarrassingly.

Moral of the story, be as resilient as this girl. Whether you fail or not, at least you know you tried. Maybe i’ll follow this philosophy during my exams.
Wish me luck

Over and out
xx